


In These Longing Moments

by Daiya_Darko



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Post Star Trek: Into Darkness, Sterility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-15
Updated: 2013-07-15
Packaged: 2017-12-20 08:02:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/884914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daiya_Darko/pseuds/Daiya_Darko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The time Jim had to walk away from a scenario and admit his defeat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In These Longing Moments

**Author's Note:**

> It occurred to me that Jim would probably be sterile after STID and that's probably great for him, but what if he actually really wanted kids and was a petulant child about it?

The idea honestly never crossed Jim’s mind until he saw Bones hugging his daughter when they returned for leave. Watching how Bones’ entire demeanor, from his brow to his posture, change in seconds upon hearing her voice in the crowd made Jim amazed.

_How did Bones know it was her? How could he tell she was there without seeing her? What is it like to hold something you helped create and see that person stare at you with admiration and pure love?_

Jim stood by dumbly as he watched tears stream down Bones face and kiss Joanna’s cheeks repeatedly as he squeezed her. Then, a shorter woman came forward and squeezed Bones’ arm, and he gave her a quick hug and friendly smile.

Jim was awestruck - he had heard the way Bones talked about Pamela, and yet here he was acting genuinely happy to see her.

“This is Captain Kirk, baby,” Bones swung around and smiled broadly at Jim. He put on his diplomat smile and offered his hand to Joanna, amazed by how large it was compared to hers. Sure, she was five, but it still made Jim feel something...protective.

Jim excused himself; he couldn’t stay around Bones and his family anymore. All they did was remind him of the one he didn’t have.

* * *

 

It wasn’t until after the fourth round of sex that Carol finally asked, “Are you okay?”

Panting, Jim nodded, and ran a hand across her forehead to brush the hair away. “Never better.”

Carol narrowed her eyes and sat up over Jim. “What’s wrong?”

Jim sighed, running a hand down his face. “Have you ever thought about having kids?”

She shook her head. “Why?”

“I just think it would be nice...to raise a kid.”

“That’s a lot of responsibility and you’re currently in deep space.”

“I was in deep space when I was born.”

“I should also hope the circumstances your child is born is nothing akin to that,” Carol smirked. “Where did all this come from?”

“I met Bones’ daughter. He looked so happy around her, and she was so cute. He was even nice to his ex-wife, and he’s said some awful things about her. Imagine, a kid can make you a better person,” Jim leaned up to kiss Carol’s shoulder. “I want to be a better person, and nothing else has really worked.”

Stroking his head, Carol smiled and kissed Jim’s forehead. “Well, we aren’t getting any younger and it’s been about a year.”

“Really?” Jim sat up excitedly. Carol laughed at his eager kisses and playfully smacked his cheek.

“Yes, really,” she agreed, and Jim could almost feel himself becoming a better person already.

* * *

 

They tried fruitlessly for three months. They timed their attempts, carefully monitored Carol’s schedule down to a T, but it didn’t make a difference. Eventually, the stress and worry began to weigh down on Jim, and he found it difficult just getting aroused at all.

He cursed and sat up, swinging his legs over the edge and cradling his head in his hands. “Fuck! What’s wrong with me?”

Carol crawled up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Jim, you can’t beat yourself up for this.”

“But it’s my fault, isn’t it? I can’t get you pregnant, and now I can’t even get it up!” Jim punched the area of the bed next to him, balled the sheets in his fist.

Tentatively, Carol rested her hand atop his and gently pried his hand free. “Jim, you’re under a lot of stress right now. You’ve got negotiations coming up and you’re worrying yourself sick over getting me pregnant. Your body can’t respond properly because it’s not under ideal conditions for having a child.”

Jim shook his head and let out a shuddery sigh.

* * *

 

There was only so much medicine could do, Bones had told him, and for once his tone was soft and apologetic. He actually sounded like a doctor should, not the gruff CMO he had come to know and love.

But here, even Bones had fallen to pity, pity for Jim, and Jim couldn’t stand it.

“I can’t make any promises, Jim. The radiation was enough to kill you and the blood transfusion couldn’t take care of everything.”

“Then what was the point, huh?” Jim snapped. Bones flinched. “What was the point in bringing me back if you couldn’t bring all of me back? You saved my life but couldn’t spare one functioning testicle?”

Bones’ expression faltered as he tried to delicately placate Jim. “We didn’t think at the time - “

“Yeah, it seems like no one on this damn ship does a lot of thinking around here,” Jim interrupted. He walked out of Bones’ office quickly, nearly bowling over a nurse on his way out of sickbay. He couldn’t stand to be around anyone right now, least of all a man who already had a kid who loved him.

* * *

 

Spock from the alternate timeline told him that his other self and Carol had a son. Jim had never more than at the moment wanted so desperately to be there instead.

* * *

 

A month later, Jim was injured in an away mission. He had pulled a muscle helping an ensign out of a pit, and given himself a hernia.

“Is this some sort of divine punishment, Bones?” Jim laughed tiredly. “I can’t have kids, so why have balls anyways, right?”

Bones just frowned sadly and carefully injected him with a sedative.

* * *

 

Jim’s sulking didn’t lift until Carol sent him a message to meet at her quarters.

“I’m pregnant!”

Jim felt a rush of emotions all at once - relief, joy, anticipation. And then he remembered Bones’ words: the radiation damaged your testes. None of your sperm are viable for pregnancy.

All the joy left with one deep sigh. “You’re not pregnant; Bones told me that my sperm isn’t viable.”

Carol’s smile didn’t fall. “No, don’t you see? It’s just a low-sperm count, but that doesn’t mean - “

“It means I can’t fertilize an egg, so I don’t know who’s baby you’re carrying!” Jim yelled. “I broke up with you so that you could move on, not so you could fuck some other guy and try to pass his baby off as mine. How stupid do you think I am?”

Straightening, Carol’s face grew stern. “I think you’re so obsessed with being a dad just because you didn’t have one that you’re projecting your anger and fears onto everyone else close to you.”

She left, and Jim still didn’t know the truth. Jim didn’t want to know.

* * *

 

George Kirk sacrificed himself to save the crew of the Kelvin, and his son Jim Kirk sacrificed himself to save the crew of the Enterprise. George Kirk did not live to raise his son; Jim Kirk _did_ live and could very well raise a son.

The irony of the situation was not missed by Jim, and as he knocked back a fifth of whiskey, he could hear Pike’s condescending voice advising him against a sixth. _This won’t make you Virile Victor, Jim,_ he could almost hear. _This won’t make your dad come back or get rid of McCoy’s daughter._

“Fuck you,” Jim mumbled into the the tumbler, and poured himself another. “Fuck you and the dissertation you rode in on.”

* * *

 

The days passed and Jim slowly began to let this obsession go. He could look Bones in the face again, could hold a conversation without paranoid accusations and bitterness. He could speak to Spock and not want to punch him in the face. Carol still refused to speak to him except when necessary, and Jim decided he could live with that.

Things returned to normal, mostly, except that he still feared intimate contact with women. With women, he would always hope desperately for an accident and ruin his good mood. With men, it was stress-free. No risk of even accidental pregnancy meant Jim could perform like everything was for fun, and it was. It was fun having sex with other men, who would be too stubborn to admit when they were tired or sore to their commanding officer. It was fun trying to get Sulu to submit, and worth every bruise and bite to end up submitting instead. It was plenty of fun teasing Bones to the point that he was an incoherent mess of words.

The fun eased the pain and soothed the woes of having to admit he lost at this. This was one time Jim Kirk couldn't outthink or outmaneuver someone in order to win. It should have bothered him more than it did, but he felt an odd peace with himself and the knowledge that he would never have children of his own.

Futility was a strange thing for Jim to reconcile with himelf.


End file.
